Daniel Sammons

Okay I have ADD. If you read my Livejournal, you know, etc etc, I really dont care who knows. Ok here, my mom makes me leave at 6:30pm so I get to doctor's at 7:00pm (he is going to perscribe medication for ADD). We get done at 7:30 (he is going to confer with psyche about it) and start off to Target, cuz I want to get Bufane lighter fuel for my ancient lighter that ran out of fuel and cargo pants for chris. So we get there and target doesn't have it, nor the cargo pants. So mom drags me over to Old Navy, finds him some pants there, and we head toward home. I argue that she should take me to Walgreens cuz I KNOW it's there (After I got dropped off from the bus at walgreens (which is where she drops us Loveland kids off) I found it, but wasnt 18, and my mom refused to come in to get it cuz of her combination of being lazy and not wanting me to "burn down the house" with one of my 5 lighters, the one lighter that is least likely to do that.) Anyways I grab the canister and throw it into her cart, which now has some candy hearts. Apparently she's going to take time here as "payback" to me for making her go out of her way to get my bufane. Wait a minute, didn't she just waste an hour of my time dragging me with HER?? And now that she's spending 5 minutes to make it even she is angered??? Anyways we are in this isle and I see a shirt over some valentine panties and boxers. It is a black shirt with hearts and such on it, saying in big letters "LOVE is all heart". So I find it funny and tell mother that I would like her to get me the shirt, because I can wear it as an undershirt (black) and also whip open my collared shirt to show the jest of it. My mother considers it "gay" and refuses to pay for it, despite the fact that she just spent $18 on my bro's cargo pants. It was 3 dollars. THREE FUCKING DOLLARS. She didnt want to pay for it because she found it to be "gay". She then asked me if I was gay, and I go "no!" which is partially a lie because I am bi. Anyways, I figure that if I pay for it, she'll think me gay (which is bad, remember), and if I put it back I'll get away with a weird moment. So I put it back.

The real anger that led up to that event bases around my conversations with her in the car, which mainly were attempts...ATTEMPTS <---key word...to explain my beliefs and why I quit being Catholic. Of course she isn't very bright and not very accepting of others, so she of course begins to lose interest because ya know, the road is so much more interesting. Anyways...my mother gets me once again attempting to throw myself onto a more personal level with her and she fails. Fails big time. Will I eventually tell her I'm bisexual? Not unless I get married to a guy or get caught with a boyfriend. Or if she finds this site...

I find that my true friends, the ones that really do love me, and etc etc, are those who are like me. Depressed, angry, mistreated, misjudged, suicidal, morbid, and extremely weird. My family will never accept me, if they know me, and I am stuck with the catholic fuckers all day long, and they wonder why I suddenly test positive for depression and suicidal thoughts. Hmmm.

*middle finger*

WARNING: COMPLAINTS INSIDE

Yea...I guess it's time to update teh Live Journal. Welp, life is ok, I guess. I mean my grades are average, for where I am, as in C. But I'm reassured in my assumption that grades mean nothing for intelligence. Basically, they show the percentage of what you remembered and understood. Sometimes it focuses on the effort you put into turning stuff in, or perhaps simply being prepared for a pop quiz. I love how teachers like to throw curve balls into a curriculum. Like, for example, a moronic project that you get percentage for just in DOING it. I mean...that doesnt help reflect anything in your learning of the subject. So, you get the idea. But here's why I brought this up. My brother and his friend Billy got into St. Xavier High School, but Daniel didn't. Now Daniel's probably the smartest of the three, and he takes no interest in anything unless it's something he will eventually find useful. Chris and Billy are OBSESSED with the WWE Wrestling. I like it, yes, but I recognize that its a show, and I recognize that it's sometimes fun to watch. Now they love pulling moves and waltzing around the house muttering lines from it. At school they are retarded, and time and time again get themselves in trouble for stupid shit they do. Now how can these kids get into St.X??? Chris has legacy...duh...but billy didnt. Daniel had a great grandfather but that doesnt count. Grades mean nothing, and I'm a little pissed that Daniel wont be there next year. So when my parents give me shit about having average grades when I could be kicking ass, I know that me simply putting away my video games and music, and just studying ALL the time will get me those good grades. Do I learn it? Yea..I'd say so. But I remember WHY America is what it is, now when, where, who, etc. So I have a near-failing grade in my classes, but I get it. Whatever, I know I've met an idiot when they brag about their good grades, saying they're smarter.

Apparently everything I do is not enjoyed by everyone else. According to Chris, I should like, neh, love sports. He finds it extremely ridiculous that I find no interest in watching any sport. And no, i dont consider WWE a sport. My music, consisting primarily of video game music, rock and roll, and classics, isnt appreciated. Well, the rock and roll is mostly, but then I got those Linkin Park, Evenescence, Green Day fans for friends, and I'm not a big fan of their music. It's alright, just, I'd prefer a rock and roll Zelda pumping bass through my car frame. Im into Halo, but then again, half the people I know hate it. The others love it, but are those assholes you meet online. Either way, parents look down on my video games. My writing. WHO WRITES??? *raises hand* *is only one doing so*...Yea... I sit inside all day, and never just "hang out" with friends. Why? Because it's pointless. By "Hang Out" I mean movies, coffee shops, etc. I barely do that stuff. Usually it's a friends house. I get the least crap for this tho, cuz my family doesnt care too much. Also, never had a girlfriend, and those girls that I DO like, dont like me or get some other guy. So I befriend everyone, find that all the guys I like arent bi/gay, and all the girls I like aren't interested in a chubby, hairy, talk-alot dork like the guy I am. So, every day, I wake up to a life where I do what I love, but find that everyone wants me to change.

And for the scary part. I find that I love some people that I'm close to. Yes, Love, the thing that ties all bonds forever. Bla bla bla, or w/e Morality fucking teaches. That class is BS btw. But....I find also that I can't really get close to anyone anymore...I don't WANT that worry you get when your friend is down...I want a friend that's solid and doesn't have problems. I want a friend that ultimately takes care of themself. I consider myself to be like that, but then again I find myself being comforted by friends. Perhaps I'm so steady because I have friends there. But...I fear that without friends, I will turn into what I did for that one half a week. No...wasn't suicidal or anything. I kinda became a zombie. Didn't care about anyone, didnt really want any company (didnt care), and I basically just went through my days, doing what simply made me happy, completely oblivious that anyone had any problems, because most problems are bogus. Now...what pulled me free of this was at the Halo party when I talked to Dan about something. I saw why I loved him, because he's not like those problem-bogus people. He has REAL problems. Now I see that I just care less about bogus shit and a ton more about serious shit.

W/e...this post has been a total complaint. If you read my Livejournal, thanks, it's just me complaining tho. Go to DanielZrath on xanga for my funnier stuff. For my...unemotional stuff.

Go to Deviant Art under the same name for my creative writing and stuff.

Or just stay here and read about me complaining. :)

My...I've said this one night to Sam and Dan, basically in a trance with it. "Light summons darkness, and without light, there cannot be darkness." Basically, everything that is good causes bad to be recognized. Basically, when I feel down and sad, it's usually the people who are happy and such who make me feel worse. When I see 18 comments under a kid's xanga and only 2 under mine, that causes me to be a bit upset about that. When I see the good, it reminds me of the good I DON'T have. Which brings me to say that heat is there, and coldness isn't. To be cold, is to lack heat. Simply put, and without heat, you know nothing of what it feels like, and solely find that the cold is all that there is. Whatever...I'm rambling.

Everything in my life will leave me in some way. So far Sam and I have drifted, my best friend moved, and my other close friend fell into a social life that I'm not too fond of. I am certainly falling into the belief that things will leave me, and I'm finding that I'm happier never feeling that "warmth". I'd rather avoid a relationship with someone because I know that it will end. That I will feel the pain, because it is inevitable. I'm seeing that within myself, I'd rather find a friend in myself. No..no I don't mean a second personality. I mean a solid, reinforced castle of ME. Where nothing offends me and nothing hurts me. It's kind of like a video game. You lose an AI, it's not really that you lost a friend, but something that was helping you attain victory. I find that I am caring less and less about people that are not useful to me.

Sure, a lot of you are thinking, that's not Danny. Danny's nice, and he's kind, and he is just going through some shit experience where he thinks this. YES, I want friends. I want that love that I've experienced, but ONLY because I've experienced it. I want to forget that love I felt, and I want to be alone and live without everyone. I want to be free of any change of emotion, and I find that I'm striving to attain that freedom every day.

If I grasp this personality, there will be people in my life who want to be close to me. Girls (or guys) who find me attractive and want a relationship (hahahaha). Perhaps a friend, and I'll just say back "no thanks, I'd rather stay at home and watch tv". I won't have friends, and I won't be social, but I will be extremely happy. And I will die, and what I have done to this world will remain. And that will be that.

*ugh* felt like I'd update my livejournal because I wanna limit my xanga to articles (basically my form of newspaper)...

Dan was pissed today, and he never really talks to me about it anymore unless its a burst of anger. Apparently I'm not a very good listener either, I just worry about myself, yes yes.

I derno...I got trash to do before its bedtime again beneath my big purple blankie. I guess the most consistant thing in my life is ME. Yes, weird, but when all fails, I always have myself. I guess that's why it's so hard for me to grow attached to anyone else, probably because I find that to be a weakness. I know that by attaching myself to myself, I am completely indestructable. No one can take me down. Today I played Halo 2 and some guy on the other team was a rocket whore, so in the after game stats I told him sarcastically "nice job with the rockets, thats a skill that I envy". Of course he blows up and calls me a fag and stuff, but I definately challenged him to an All Duels match. Guess who won? Me. After we played all swords (cheap-ass match) which I still one, but not as badly. Anyways, I had reinforced myself to the extent where nothing he said pissed me off. I reinforced myself so that no one really hurts me.

No I'm not invincible, i dont wanna give the impression that I think I am. I'm saying that when Laura's pissed at me and Dans over with his Jen or w/e, and I have no one to talk to, I can go into my room and stare...or just occupy myself with video games. I never truly let anything bother me, or at least try to make that so. I think there's a flaw with that though. I think that I am not as emotional as I can be, and thus not as close to many people. Life seems to be an equation. Right now, Dan has a problem, and I'm not the solver. So I'm gonna let it be solved without me. Life is a game to me, yes sad, and I dont take anything seriously.

I want to take things seriously...I want to be hurt...I want to be Danny again, not the cold, hard-skinned monster i've made myself. Monster...yes...not so much a monster...but a robot.

*beh* didnt proof read this so if I said anything offensive get over it.

Ok my Xbox-Live failed for the night (goddamn zoomtown for sucking when phone rings and when too many people are on it and for generally sometimes not feeling like working). Curse my computer for sucking so it sucks more. Curse my brother for always messing up things like the computer and such so I have to reorganize my environment. And curse (finally) all guys and girls who develop stereotypes for themselves, thus hindering my progress with many people. Thus ruining my entire outlook on life, dragging it closer and closer to a normal perspective. I realize now that being truly happy means being truly normal. Getting a job, playing what others playing, doing whats "cool", and ultimately taking everything complicated in my life and making it simple. For every detail, such as hiding my gayness and staying in school and avoiding punishment for bad grades. All that just turned into a straight guy with B avg having a problem with one kid at school. Not with grasping onto sanity everytime he takes himself from a fantasy world to think such as Aeon, RPING in general, AIM, XboxLive, or even a book. Not fighting for everything he loves, but throwing himself in surrender before the mass view of what should be loved. A life of pain is what I have to choose between, and I choose it.

My my my how I will be oh so different from my friends and the adults I know.

Winter, Claim My Soul – Written 12/13/04
No longer do I see my breath,
When winters bless my home with cold,
So long I am tickled by Death,
With its fingers withered and old.
-
Such is so when love is lost,
Wandering through mountains and hills,
Through hardships tumbled and tossed,
Never known, never fulfilled.
-
The loyalty sought long then found,
Ties so great that they surely break,
Painful to who was forever bound,
Lost the soul set for you to take.
-
So in the frost I will remain,
And to this winter I submit my mind,
Soothing feeling conquering pain,
Leaving the fiends nothing behind.


^ I wrote that today at school... I was first sent into a kind of "I'm not important boo-hoo" state from Kurt saying that they had joked about me, saying that I was useful for weapons only. And then Dan slapped me over something but I remember it being stupid. He then said "I dont give a fuck" or something, but the slap hurt and Dan never really hurts me. So I just fell silent and read my book, because I really didnt want to talk to him anymore. I came home and found Aeon down and feared that Dan had banned me from it, but then I found it was just the Invision Free servers. My dad took away my xbox for bad grades, well he didnt take it away but disallowed me from using it. Sam has new friends, Kings friends. Dan has other friends, Online friends. Everyone else just seems to have friends. It's like gradeschool all over again. Things are just seeming to be against me and I'm alone all over again. Why? WHY? I knew it was coming though, the age of despair. A good 4-5 years of loneliness and crying and now cutting myself and depression and suicide thoughts and excluding myself from everyone and being excluded and being basically alone. I fear that I may not survive this age. I fear that I will not end up alive at the end of it. I don't want it again, but it is the balance, and I see the negatives flying towards me.

*holds back tears and Updates*

Kinda...funny how sometimes you see the really good side to something...and then others you see that it was never good in the first place. That what you worked so hard to get isn't what you really wanted. Sometimes you take a step back and look at it all. And see your friends, family, job, grades, school, and basically your entire life as it is, and see it worth nothing. Worth nothing to an extent where you despise all included in the massacre refered to as your life. Once again it seems that everything lies just inches from my fingertips, my future, my friends, the love i've been yearning for even for so long, and especially my desire to live. Yea yea you've heard the assholes who are like "wooo me I'm suicidal I'm going to kill myself. So you better start caring for me because if you don't I will be DEAD." And make sure you read that with the mocking voice. If you didn't go back and read it like that. Well no I'm not going to "kill myself" I'm going to live. I decided a while back that if I cant live a good life, I'll live a sucky life, because it will always be better than no life. I like being alone, but I seem to be tied into relationships with people such as Dan and Laura. Sure I love being there and being a reason why they live and all that. But when I feel like I never get any support or compasion, mainly because they have their own problems, it is depressing. I fucking wanted Laura's address so I could mail her something (a present) and she refused to give it because she didnt want anything. Dan I read his LJ and it basically said I'm worthless and he has to "deal" with me. Drew doesn't give a fuck about me, he asks me stupid questions such as "When was Fire's of Jubiless due?" and I say "today, I read it" and he goes "ok making sure [you read it, Danny]". Yea...right...I dont fucking need a babysitter. Wanna know why I suck at grades? Wanna know why one week I get a 61 on a Nat Turner quiz and the next week I get an 86? Wanna know why my grades plummet and go up? Because frankly, I dont care. And right now, I care about my grades. I care about my future. Because even if Laura and I fail, even if my writing fails, even if hell I don't get to be a movie director, I've seen the work I CAN do. I saw professional theatre people...yeah...I see that I have connections now, and perhaps theatre can be something to help me out. I don't love anyone. I've felt in Dan the first true best-friend ever...yea Tim and Drew, sorry guys but you didnt get that from me, I always held within some doubt that you would always stick by me. Dan I know will stick by me, just a matter of why and how and the consequences for him. Laura...just...I mean I love her but it's a bit difficult when that "ok" keeps popping up. Just shoots down everything I say. How can I love when those I consider myself closest to are a kid who usually has enough problems to ruin my day and a girl who has enough problems and lives so far away I cant get close to. I am just better alone, worrying about grades, making friends where it counts rather than where I count. I don't know...all I get these days is shit...and I'm a person, yes I know it's hard to believe. The fact that people say "Aww you'll find someone!" rather than seriously consider dating me. The fact that my parents see me and remember that I have chores to do and constantly think that those are why I get angry. The fact that my friends seem to "get done" with me, and just pass me by, causing my "long-friendships" to be long, yes, but not direct. I just...I don't want to die. I want things to change.

*fucknut in love with a bitchnut*

I guess now that I've made a Live Journal account, I'm going to interchange between LJ and Xanga...Well a lot of people have livejournals so I guess it's worth it. Okay! Storytime!

I just got done cleaning the wall to the left of the stairway of this insulation stuff. Well my dad decided to actually make sure the walls didnt leak in the basement, and he found a TON of spots. So now he rips down all the insulation, and makes us (me and chris) pick it up. Chris tried to get out of it by cleaning the garage and getting mom to say that was all he had to do. But we saw all these Demon Lizards (giant centipedes) before when dad was taking it down, so now chris is doing his share (smaller portion) and is screaming from seeing the demon lizard. Strange...yes.

*love my Laura*